You will be either surprised or unsurprised to hear that I recently completed a Civil War campaign.  I’m not sure for which side I was fighting; I’m pretty sure the Union.  You’d think it would be problematic since I was the general, but I can assure you the whole thing was an open-and-shut victory.  Or at least, open; there is a chance this war is still ongoing.  We’ll get to that.

As I told you last week, my sister and her family flew in from North Carolina for our annual Silverman lake vacation at Bay Lake in Minnesota.  My sister and I are very close, and so the trip was like drinking the world’s most perfect milkshake.  Was it amazingly delicious?  Yes.  Are you left with an empty glass and the mournful feeling of wanting another?  Also, yes.

On the last day of the trip, while everyone else was packing up the lake house, I took my eleven-year-old son and my nine-year-old and five-year-old nephews for a walk.  “To help out,” I told the other grownups, since the children were running on too much fun and too little sleep; and, also, I didn’t want to load coolers into the car.  Our little quartet made our way down to the deserted beach.  Five picked up a rock and threw it in the water.

“Let’s go,” Nine said.

“Where should we go?”  I said.

“Home,” Nine said, kicking the sand.

“Sure,” I said.

“But first, let’s play Civil War.”  He saluted.

“Deal,” I said, saluting back.  “You’re the general, and Eleven is the sergeant, and Five is the scout, and I am the drummer.”

“I don’t want to be the general,” Nine said.  “I want to be a scout.”

“Then Five is the general and you are the scout,” I said.

“I don’t want to be the general,” Five said.  “I want to be a scout.”

“I don’t want to be the general, either,” Eleven said.  “I want to be a private and the drummer.”

“Fine,” I said.  “I’ll be the general.”

The three of them saluted me.

“All right, men,” I directed.  “The enemy is marching on Fort Silverman.  We need to get there and surround them before they overcome our compatriots.  It will be a long and treacherous road.  Who is with me?”

“Me!”  Five and Eleven shouted.

“I’ll come with you, Auntie,” Five said.  He took my hand.

“Thank you very much,” I said.

Eleven picked up a stick and stuck it in the waistband of his shorts.  He picked up a second stick and held it like a rifle.  Nine did the same.  For his part, Five dropped my hand and picked up a tiny twig, gripping it upwards like a candle.

“Onward,” I said.  “Beware of certain danger.”

Nine and Eleven ran up the rocks, with Five close behind.  The general took her sweet time.  At the top of the bluff, the general found her soldiers had discovered the enemy – specifically, three elderly guests making their way to the restaurant – marching towards them.  Nine had taken cover behind a garbage can.  Eleven had taken cover behind a tree.  Five, who either didn’t understand the severity of the situation or was testing out his camouflage skills, crouched in the middle of the road.

“Good morning,” I said to the enemy as they passed.

“Good morning,” they said in return, stepping around Five.

“Phew, that was a close one,” Nine said when they were out of earshot.

“Was it ever,” I said.  “Is it time to make camp?”

“Yes, it is,” Nine said.  “I will scout out a campsite.”

We camped beneath the wooden stairs of a small cabin.  Eleven regaled us by singing the song of his people (“Seize the Day” from Newsies).  We ate roasted rabbit and I took the first and lone watch, which wasn’t too bad since it only lasted about 15 seconds.

Upon awakening, my brave battalion fought a number of invisible enemies – including, unexpectedly, Germans – pressing forward to our next campsite roughly 100 feet away from the first.  This campsite was hidden within a bush.

“Let’s sing the song of all of our people this time,” Nine said.

“Sure,” I said.  “What’s that?”

He started dum-dum-dumming Darth Vader’s entrance music from Star Wars.

“Wait, that’s not right,” he said.  “Is it?”

“Star Wars was a long, long time ago,” I said.  “Long before the Civil War.  So, it’s certainly not wrong.”

The sun rose, and we realized we were within eye shot of Fort Silverman.

“It’s worse than I thought,” Eleven said, holding his hands up to his eyes like binoculars.  “Fort Silverman is surrounded.”

I, too, lifted my binoculars.  Kyle, my brother-in-law, and my dad were milling around the car.

“We may be marching into uncertain death,” I told them.  “But we go forth as Americans.”

“Huzzah!”  Eleven said.  He held his sword high, and ran into the fray with Nine and Five right behind him.  The general decided she would fight this one on horseback and clip-clopped along.

By the time I reached the battlefield, my soldiers were actively engaged in combat.  Our enemies, however, weren’t going down without a fight.

“Can I get your hairbrush?”  Fifteen asked me as Five pew-pewed him in the kneecaps.  He survived his wounds and strolled back into the house.

Finally, we emerged victorious.

“Excellent work, men,” I told them.  “I will recommend each of you for promotion.  Nine, you will be general for strategy and leadership.  Eleven, you will be a captain for your bravery.  Five, you will be a sergeant for your good work.”

“My first job as general will be to tell you that the battle isn’t over; follow me!”  Nine and Eleven ran off down the road towards the lake.  Ever the stalwart companion, Five remained by my side.

“Goodbye,” Five said, saluting.

“Goodbye,” I said, saluting back.

“Hey, I can’t find that hairbrush,” Fifteen said, leaning out the door.

“Goodbye,” Five said, saluting again.

“Goodbye,” I said to Five, saluting.  “Try my purple bag,” I said to Fifteen, who did not salute.

“Goodbye,” Five said, saluting.

“Goodbye,” I said, saluting, but he had already run off towards the next adventure.

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The photo above is of the general doing general things.

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This week on North Dakota Today we talked about the teenagers of the Grand Forks Impact Academy, my Nice People of the Week, as well as a Hazen event “chalk” full of good times. (Valley News Live)

Remember when I talked about these adaptive golf carts on TV?  Here they are in action! (Grand Forks Herald)

Minnesota’s Jason Lennox is walking 1,776 miles around Minnesota (and touching upon North Dakota) to gain attention for mental health matters. (Facebook)

I’ve never felt so badly about not having a timeless skill. (Facebook)

I don’t know if I’d call this a particularly NICE story, but it’s certainly an interesting one. (MLB.com)

NDSU’s Barika Kpeenu is headed to Tampa Bay. (Heavy.com)

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