As you know, I just got back from judging the Miss North Dakota and Miss North Dakota’s Teen Scholarship Competition in Williston, North Dakota.  Prior to last week, 1000% of my participation in pageants was through the movies Miss Congeniality and Drop Dead Gorgeous and a vague memory of a televised Miss America Competition sometime in the 80s – and so I went into the whole thing with absolutely zero expectation around how it was all going to play out.  If they had told me that I would parachute into a corn field wearing a garbage bag prom dress and then dig a red flag out of the bottom of a baby pool filled with whipped cream, I would have been like, “Yeah, that tracks.”

With that said, I was prepared for it to be a Beauty Pageant*, and that’s not really what it was.  At no point was I asked to judge someone’s face.  The Swimsuit category has been replaced by Health and Fitness, which has the girls bopping around the stage in yoga pants showing off their muscles.  I do think Beauty was the deciding factor in the Old Days (and I’m not sure if those Old Days ended two or twenty years ago because stepping into pageant culture is like joining a single-series book club where all of the participants are already on Volume 50), but 50% of the preliminary scoring has to do with a candidate’s ability to speak knowledgeably and with confidence – because being Miss North Dakota is a job.

When I say it’s a job, I don’t mean, “Oh, I had to put away two baskets of laundry and it was a JOB ha ha.”  Miss North Dakota is a year-long, full-time paid position in which the winner travels to school, social clubs, legislative assemblies, and business organizations across North Dakota and advocates for their Community Service Initiative, which is what all of us non-pageant people know as a Platform.  If you’ve ever walked into a room of old North Dakota farmers and needed to convince them of…well, basically anything…you’ll know that it takes a pretty heavy dose of command and charm not to melt into a pile of farts at the first frown. 

You also have to be independent and unshakeable because you travel without anyone from the organization and need to be able to handle whatever is thrown at you.  For example, one of my fellow judges, Stephanie Fisher Heiberg, Miss North Dakota 1992, was sitting on the toilet at a rest stop when a couple of little girls shoved a piece of paper and a pen under the stall door and asked for an autograph.  Another one of the former Miss North Dakotas told a story about how she showed up to a rodeo with the plan to sing the National Anthem and found the organizer in a huff because she – Miss North Dakota – wasn’t wearing chaps or with a horse.  So, Miss North Dakota got herself some chaps and a horse and rode out into the middle of that rodeo with big smiles and a giant flag, and when she was finished Miss RODEO North Dakota arrived, late, ready to do the chaps and horse thing as was originally planned.

Speaking of former Miss North Dakotas, there were 31 of ’em at this year’s pageant week and, as you can imagine, they were delightful.  I was constantly being approached – no wallflowers in the Miss North Dakota Organization, let me tell you – by these lovely, well-dressed women who would ask me some kind of engaging question and then tell an amusing story and then wander off to do the same thing to someone else and each time I’d think, “Man, that was awesome.”  The organizers and volunteers were equally sparkly, so overall every interaction was very enjoyable.

Those interactions were also brief.  BRIEF.  As a judge, no one was allowed to talk to me – including the other judges.  I mean, we could speak, but we could not discuss anything related to judging or the candidates, full stop…not only during the pageant period, but in perpetuity.  The Miss America Organization is not messing around with this rule, so much so that the Miss North Dakota Scholarship Organization had three people dedicated to babysitting and bodyguarding the judges all around Williston.  They ate with us, drove us around, and chaperoned us in the bathroom.  The only point I was by myself was when I was showering or sleeping – and, frankly, I got so used to them being around (and they were the coolest, nicest women) that if they had snuggled up to me in bed I probably wouldn’t have thought anything about it.

“Is it really that hard to not talk about the competition?”  You may be wondering.  Well, kinda.  First of all, the ultimate goal is to crown a Miss North Dakota and a Miss North Dakota’s Teen so it’s not like you’re hanging around because you like auditoriums.  Second, there’s only so many ways all of these lifelong pageant people can make small talk such as, “Have you ever seen a rainbow?” and “What’s your middle name?” before their natural inclination is to ask, “How do you think things are going?”  And third, judging someone on something by use of your opinion (rather than fact) means those opinions live in your brain even when you are sleeping. 

As a result, our babysitters, who were called Judges Chairs and were VOLUNTEER and doing it out of the goodness of their hearts, protected us like the Secret Service from sunup to sundown.  Their most effective form of protection was to seclude us from society.  We hung out in private offices and classrooms and hospitality suites.  We ate at our own tables (or in a different room) at big events.  We entered and exited through kitchens instead of front doors.  We went to a party at a woman’s private home and still managed to sit separately.  And if, for some reason, one of us judges happened to mention off-handedly as we rode in an elevator, “I loved the way…”  The Judges Chair would shush us.  Nicely.  But still, shushed.

“COME ON,” you may be thinking.  “Is the competition really that fair?”  Yes.  I spent 18-plus hours a day from Tuesday through Sunday with my four other judges and three Judges Chairs.  While we were judging A LOT we weren’t working round the clock, and so we had hours upon hours of fabulous conversations ranging from the importance of Bath and Body Works Candy Apple Body Spray in 1998 to how religion has shaped our relationships.  I know these women now well enough to love them and we forever will have this unique and shared experience between us.  Even with all that, I have no idea how they voted for anything.

I can’t tell you much about how we judged the Miss North Dakota competition, but I can tell you that it was stacks and stacks of numbers on pieces of paper, and those pieces of paper were handed over to a team of four accountants (called Auditors) who typed them into spreadsheets and turned them into envelopes of names.  The competition went from a full panel of contestants, to a semi-final of nine, to a final of five, and a final-final-final of two, and no one was as interested as me to see which names would be called.

Here is what I have to say about judging: It’s hard.  It’s not hard because you are putting numbers to opinions; it’s hard because your natural instinct is to tell young girls they are exceptional and perfect and instead you have to think, “Oh, I didn’t like that flugelhorning.  No.  It was too much flugel and not enough horn.  If she’s going to win Miss North Dakota, she will have to up that horn, yessir.”  It’s so hard that the organizers warned us several times not to give everyone a perfect score because it would skew the results.  I took those rules to heart and became so judgy that I still feel kind of barfy about it.

Anyways, we did it.  We crowned a Miss North Dakota and a Miss North Dakota’s Teen.  Miss North Dakota’s Teen 2023 is named Ellie Ahlfeldt and I was literally pressed up against her for the judges’ photo and this sweet, darling, overwhelmed girl said, “Thank you so much for selecting me!” and since we aren’t allowed to talk about our opinions on the candidates AT ALL FOREVER (and they specifically told us not to say things like, “You were the best/worst” and “I voted/didn’t vote for you”), I said the only thing that came to my mind which was, “Have a great year,” and then shoved her out of the way so we could take a picture with Miss North Dakota, Sydney Helgeson, who was a former Miss North Dakota’s Teen and knew not to waste her breath trying to speaking to us.

Would I ever judge again?  FER SURE.  But guess what, I can’t.  You can’t judge the same girl twice and since a girl can compete from ages 13-28, that means I won’t be eligible until whatever that maths out to be – and, also, there’s a high probability they wouldn’t want me back now or ever. I would highly recommend attending a Miss North Dakota pageant in the future.  It’s glitzy and showy, and there are little girls who get to attend Princess Training and walk on the stage in poofy dresses and tiaras which is worth the whole thing.  Plus, the community of Williston is incredibly welcoming, which makes it EXCITING.  If you do go, make sure to wear rhinestones and satin, because if there ever was a place for it, it’s a pageant.

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The photo above is of my wonderful co-judges on the night of the Finals.  From left to right: Stephanie Fisher Heiberg, who got big applause everywhere she went because everyone loves her; Chele Schamber, the Executive Director of Miss Wyoming and the most thoughtful, fun woman; Emily Driscoll, a songwriter and music teacher from Williston with the most mesmerizing, interesting things to say (and voice to say it with); Me (if you want to see more photos of me I put up a ton on Instagram and Facebook); and Kali Tripp, the former Director of Miss Nebraska’s Teen and a top-shelf hilarious, glamorous woman.  I wish I had a picture of all of us with our Judges Chairs but nary a thing exists, which is so crazy because the whole week was HEAVILY, HEAVILY photographed, as you can imagine.  Here’s a fun fact: I started sweating from judicial anxiety on Tuesday night and only managed to stop once I got back into the car on Sunday, which means that I smelled GREAT in all of these photos and these women still stood next to me and didn’t do a, “Oh, we’ll Photoshop you in later” kind of thing.

* In the movie Miss Congeniality, Sandra Bullock’s character says, “Hey, it’s not a beauty pageant; it is a scholarship program.”  It IS a scholarship program.  At this year’s competition, they gave away $57,000 in scholarships between the North Dakota Miss and Teen contestants.  Miss North Dakota 2022, Sidni Kast, said in her farewell speech that she initially started pageanting to help pay for her doctoral education.  This year’s Miss North Dakota attended the University of Alabama for free because every state’s teen contestant is given a full ride if they compete in the national program.

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Fargo now has some beautiful utility boxes thanks to area middle school artists and art teacher Sharon Eide. (Fargo Forum)

Congratulations to the 17 North Dakota high school seniors to receive National Merit Scholarships this year! (Grand Forks Herald)

I think I’ve had this sign sent to me 200 times (which I love; keep sending me stuff). (Fargo Forum)

Grand Forks’ Jim Kleinsasser is one of 78 former players in consideration for the Football Hall of Fame. (Grand Forks Herald)

Kenmare’s Jacob Rodin is on his way to the NCAA Track Championships in Texas. (Fargo Forum)

Turtle Lake’s Mason Maxwell is now $1 million – but technically, $695,000 – richer. (Bismarck Tribune)

As a reminder, I’ll be appearing on North Dakota Today on Monday mornings. Tune in, and send me your stories (and if you have already sent me stories – THANK YOU!).

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