I was scrolling the World Wide Web the other day when I received a targeted advertisement for an Oscar Mayer “Beauty Inspired by Bologna” Face Mask. It was an appropriately-timed ad because at that exact moment I was soaking in a bathtub filled with creamy pasta salad while loofahing with slices of white bread and had realized – crap on a cracker – that I had completely neglected my face.

I am fascinated by my targeted ads because, obviously, they are targeted. This meant the bots-that-be received the Oscar Mayer Bologna Face Mask Ad and beeped at one another, “Who do we know that wants to look younger with the assistance of processed meat?” Et voila.

I receive quite a few targeted ads that, at first glance, seem a bit out of my shopping comfort zone – maybe because I’m clicking on and then buying Bologna Face Masks, or maybe the Internet wants me to aspire to my best lifestyle. Either way, I thought I’d share a few of the recent goods the universe wants me to own.

THE GIANT INFLATABLE IRISH PUB

The irrefutable parenting app, Pinterest, advises the best way to get picky children to eat is with thematic meal options. What started out as animal-shaped pasta for Zoo Night quickly developed into a poncho-clad jet ride to Oaxaca for Taco Tuesday and a light overthrowing of the Canadian government for Pierogi Pi Day. When Irish Stew Fridays became a fan-favorite, we decided it was cheaper to buy this inflatable pub than continue to purchase small villages throughout the Emerald Isle. As a bonus, it paired well with our Giant Inflatable Outdoor Bathroom and matching cleaning fire hose.

This may seem extravagant for a once-a-week dinner, but just the other day Kyle and I were also saying to one another, “How can we have our friends come over but not actually allow them in the house?” I did order this with an extra hand-pump because it’s cold here in North Dakota and I can’t think of anything more embarrassing than having our Giant Inflatable Irish Pub deflate on our guests without an option for them to blow it back up themselves.

WOMEN’S METALLIC HALTER JUMPSUIT

This jumpsuit is perfect for the bologna-laden mother who wants to look like the woman in this picture with a whole bunch of added fat rolls. I personally love to wear my Women’s Metallic Halter Jumpsuit to the hockey rink, because there’s nothing more pleasant than needing to peel down and then squeegee up skin-tight fabric so that you can sit totally nude on a public toilet between games. I pair it with the Miami Dolphins starter jacket and pump high-tops I got in 1995 and pretend like I’m Cindy Crawford (‘90s Cindy or ’22 Cindy, take your pick).

KETTLEBELL TRAVERTINE STONE TOP HANDLE BAG

Our loose change jar was a little light after dropping $3,000 on the Giant Inflatable Irish Pub, but when I saw the Kettlebell Travertine Stone Top Handle Bag, I knew it was worth digging in the couch cushions to make it mine. I especially liked how it featured all the “must-haves” when selecting a new purse: heaviness and lack of interior space.

I don’t talk about this very often, but I have a really personal connection to travertine. As you know, travertine is a form of limestone found around hot springs or caves, with some of the richest areas located in Italy. The Romans particularly loved travertine – building monuments, temples, and the Coliseum out of the stone. For my part, my master bathroom floor is travertine.

While there really isn’t a wrong place for my Kettlebell Travertine Stone Top Handle Bag, I prefer to carry it when walking in dark alleys because my mace expired in August and I’m too lazy to get another.

EXOSKELETON WEARABLE LIGHTWEIGHT FOLDING CHAIR

I spend an inordinate amount of time toting around a lawn chair – to baseball games, parking lots, people’s backyards, and workplace meetings. I’ve gotten so sick of packing, unpacking, and packing up my lawn chair that I was at a hockey tournament a month or so ago and all of the parents were hanging out on the hotel lawn and I chose to STAND with them rather than go get my lawn chair out of my car. My life can be really tough.

However, Pinterest and my refrigerator magnet have told me I need to SIMPLIFY – and what’s simpler than having a chair built into your own pants?!? I’m pretty sure everyone is jealous of my new Exoskeleton Wearable Lightweight Folding Chair, although I can’t say for certain because whenever I use it I spend the rest of the conversation looking at people’s belly buttons. Also, it’s made it a little awkward to drive a car, but I manage by opening the sunroof.

NICOLAS CAGE BLANKET LUXURY 50”x40” THROW

I don’t think there’s any question that Nicolas Cage is a marvel of cinema. My favorite role of his was H.I. McDonnough in Raising Arizona – “This here’s the TV; Two hours a day, maximum, either…either educational or football so’s, you know, you don’t ruin your appreciation of the finer things” – although you could make an argument that any performance in his vast portfolio is worthy of note. To that end, I felt it befitting to adorn myself with a giant representation of Nic’s face (I can call him Nic now that a 6” wide version of his nostril is aligned with my privates) while watching his, or basically anyone’s, movies.

The photo above of is my handsome Kyle at a wedding we recently attended. None of those things have anything to do with this story.

This week’s news has a whole bunch of famous people – a football player, a volleyball coach, an author, and more. Read on.

This is just a cute post about two Lake Metigoshe volunteers, David and Connie Engg. (Facebook)

Minot’s Sebastian Gutierrez has signed with the New England Patriots. (Valley News Live)

Fort Berthold Indian Reservation’s Shyla Sheppard and her beer-making business were featured on The Today Show. (US 1033)

Washburn’s Geremy Olson’s book, “Campfires, Kids and the Outdoors: Outdoor Lessons for the Real World” was named the Best Book of 2022 by the Association of Great Lakes Outdoor Writers. (KFYR TV)

The community of Standing Rock brought back its football team. (KX Net)

Congratulations to Thompson’s Lisa Strand, North Dakota’s first volleyball coach to reach 1,000 wins. (Grand Forks Herald)

Fargo’s Madi Johnson will soon be a contestant on the next season of The Bachelor. (Fargo Forum)

Is your “Famous People of North Dakota” bulletin board full yet? Here’s a list of “28 Great Actors from our Great State.” (KX Net)