My ten-year-old’s hockey team closed out the spring season with a tournament in Minneapolis. As his mother, I’m legally obligated to tell all of society (but, like, in a casual way) that they went undefeated, and won the championship, and my son and his friend (the team’s two goalies; they each play half-periods) had two shut-outs and the whole thing was very fun.
My parents live in the Cities and attended all of Ten’s games. The championship was held on Mother’s Day – and so my mom recommended (by saying “Amanda, you need to drink more water and your next column will be about me”) that I use this week’s story to honor those mothers and grandmothers and aunties and next-door neighbors who give the entirety of their love and support to a child athlete without actually caring about the sport itself. My mom calls them “Hockey Bubbes” because my children call her Bubbe (the Yiddish word for grandma) and so I’ll use that for simplicity’s sake – but really, Hockey Bubbe-dom transcends all activities, genders, ages, taste for concession stand hot dogs, and geographies.
There are three rules to being a Hockey Bubbe.
The first is that you can’t be bothered to learn the rules of the game. My mother is currently teaching herself another language and has watched hundreds of hockey games; and while those two things are unrelated they are proof that she has both the intelligence and access to understand the general nuances of the sport. She does not, however, have the interest. As such, 100% of her understanding of hockey is that the puck has to go into the net more times on one side than the other in order for the game to end. She knows that icing is more than a topping on a cake…but she definitely can’t identify an icing call when it happens.
This lack of knowledge does not keep her from commenting on the game, of course; which she does from the puck drop to the handshake (I also have this gift of non-stop chatter, and I’d like to formally and deeply apologize to any past or future moms who have the misfortune of sitting in my general vicinity. Thank you for not turning around and saying, “Jeepers creepers, Amanda, shut your piehole.”). A Hockey Bubbe’s commentary is accurate maybe once every thousand times. She will yell “Hustle!” during an end-zone penalty kill, or “Get to the net!” to a player who is already off-side. At this recent tournament, the buzzer rang to indicate the end of the period. One of the opposing players tipped the puck into the net as he skated back to the bench.
“Goal!” My mom shouted at the ref.
“The period is over,” I said.
“So what?” She said.
“So…the game is stopped,” I said.
“Well, that doesn’t seem very fair,” she said.
Fairness is the second rule of Hockey Bubbe-ness. In the case of my mother, she wants everyone to have fun and feel good but she also only wants her own grandchildren to win. As my son is the goalie, this means that she demands that every game end with a 1-0 score.
It also means she doesn’t like any cheering against her own grandchildren and/or their teammates. My son was scored upon in the second game and the other team (unsurprisingly) celebrated.
“That is terrible,” my mother said. “Look, they made him feel sad.” And then, loudly, “That is terrible.”
A few seconds later, my son’s team scored, and my mother jumped to her feet and cheered,
“Great job, [kid’s name]! Great job, [another kid’s name]! Great job, [a third kid’s name who was not on the ice]! Whoop whoop whoop whoop! Beat their butts!”
Finally, the last rule of Hockey Bubbe-ing is to have opinions on everything. Here are a few of the exact comments that came out of my mother’s mouth over the weekend:
“What was that penalty? Hooking? I think that was tripping.”
“That ref needs to stop blowing his whistle, I have things to do today.”
“I don’t like the color of those jerseys compared to the other team.” And then, when it was communicated that the Home team always wears white, “I want to see a few alternates.”
Obviously, there is no greater fan than a Hockey Bubbe. Also, obviously, there is no one who can move on from a game and onto the next activity faster. To quote my mother when my son emerged from the locker room after his championship win: “You’re the best goalie in the world, now let’s go to lunch.”
The photo above is of the boys holding their championship trophy – because, you know, legal obligation.
This week’s news has an interactive playground and not one, not two, but THREE TV shows. Read on.
Connor George has a sweet new playset thanks to Make-a-Wish North Dakota. (Jamestown Sun)
Heart River Elementary School now has the first interactive indoor playground in North Dakota, which uses touch projection to keep kids active. (Dickinson Press)
Bismarck’s Cody Adolphson is the winner of the History Channel’s “Forged in Fire,” a TV show where bladesmiths recreate historical weapons. (Hot 97.5)
Congratulations to Halliday’s Chloe Fredericks, who made it all the way to the finale of NBC’s “American Song Contest.” (KFYR TV)
The Badlands will be front and center in a two-part NOVA science series called “Dinosaur Apocalypse,” which will feature the findings from a fossil site near Bowman. (Fargo Forum)
Let’s Be (Official) Pals!
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