This year, the Kosior Family received a gift that we never knew we needed until we received it and then we didn’t know how we lived without it.

Before we get to that gift, however, I want to tell you about my new toaster.  I rarely ask for anything specific, but this year in early November I turned to my husband and said,

“Kyle, I want a new toaster.”

“Okay,” he said.  “What’s the matter with our old toaster?”

“Nothing,” I said.  “Except that I would like an air fryer and I don’t want another appliance on the counter, so I want an air fryer that is also a toaster, and I would like you to buy it on Black Friday so that you get a discount.”

“Why don’t you buy the toaster on Black Friday and I will get you an actual present?”  He said.

“Because I want you to research the best air fryer and toaster so that I don’t have to do,” I said.  “The gift is me not having to do any work.”

“I don’t want a new toaster,” Ten said.  “I love our old toaster.  Its name is Ralph.”

“I’ve never heard you call it that,” I said.

“Well, I do, and Ralph is my best friend,” Ten said.

“Not to worry, we will find a place for Ralph,” Kyle said.  “And we will get Mom her toaster.”

Come Hanukkah, I unwrapped a toaster that was not only a toaster, and not only a toaster and an air fryer, but also a dehydrator, a boiled egg maker, a rotisserie, a pastry proofer, a broiler, a slow cooker, and probably something else but I can’t remember them all.  Oh, a grill.  Also a grill.

“I did my research,” Kyle said, proudly.

I was very excited.

While my new toaster did a lot of things, what it didn’t do was provide enough instruction on how to use its million purposes.  I guess that’s because people who buy machines that do a million things already know how to do all of those things separately and don’t require instruction on how to do them when combined.  I did not fall into that category, and so we put the toaster on the countertop (and Ralph in the garage for garage-based toasting) and I gave everyone explicit instructions not to touch it until I could figure out how to use it.

On Friday, I took the day off from work and went to the Internet.

Turns out, my new toaster had not one, but two Facebook groups dedicated to people sharing recipes, best practices, and general toaster-y discussion to maximize the use of said toasters.  Why two Facebook groups?  I feel compelled to share an old Jewish joke with the word “synagogue” replaced by the words “Facebook group for my toaster:”

A man is stranded on a deserted island for 20 years.  He is finally rescued; before they depart, his rescuers ask to see how he survived.  He take them to a small clearing with several makeshift buildings.

“That’s my home,” he points to one.  “That’s the supermarket, and that’s the bank, and that’s the bar.”

“What’s that?”  A rescuer asks, pointing to a row of chairs.

“That’s the Facebook group for my toaster,” the man says.

“What’s that, then?”  The rescuer asks, pointing to an identical row of chairs a few feet over.

“Oh,” the man said.  “That’s the other Facebook group for my toaster that I’d never join.”

While there was a lot of great information on the Facebook groups, the one that seemed most pertinent was the one directed to beginners.

“If you’ve never used an air fryer before,” someone wrote, “the first thing you should make is chicken fingers and French fries.”

“Got it,” I said aloud.

Fourteen had a hockey game that evening and needed to be at the rink by 4:30.  At 3:45, I was standing in front of the toaster holding a bag of chicken fingers and another bag of wontons (I didn’t have any French fries) preparing to blow everyone’s minds with my toaster use when Fourteen walked in the door from school wearing a pair of rubber elf ears.

“Hi, Mom,” he said, grinning from elf ear to elf ear.

Fourteen’s class had a white elephant exchange in celebration of the holiday break.  Students who wanted to participate needed to bring in an item worth five dollars or less.  One kid brought a stop sign.  Another brought candy bars taped to a stick.  Fourteen brought a Greenbay Packers sweatshirt (“It’s supposed to be $5,” I told Kyle.  “That’s worthless.”).  And another brought in elf ears.

“Those are awesome,” I said, because they were awesome.

“Would you like to wear them?”  Fourteen asked.

“Obviously, yes,” I said.

I wore the elf ears while I blew everyone’s minds with my chicken fingers and wontons.

The elf ears have now been worn by every member of our family every day since Fourteen received them and are our most prized possession.  Yesterday, Kyle wore them to shovel off our backyard rink.  As I type this, Ten is eating toast and fish sticks while wearing the elf ears, as one does.  The toast was made by the new unnamed toaster and not Ralph for reasons unknown, except that I’m guessing it has something to do with the convenience of making both toast and fish sticks at the same time in the same appliance and not in the garage.

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It’s Christmas Eve! Merry Christmas! The photo above is of me and the elf ears.

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I’m not back on North Dakota Today until after the New Year.  Last week on North Dakota Today we talked about Jessica Salinas and Love in Action, my Nice Person of the Week, as well Marty the Elf and his partner, Deputy Steve Austin, my Nice Elf of the Week. (Valley News Live)

Remember, if you donate any amount to the Greater Grand Forks Community Theatre, I will write you a poem.  You can also donate without getting a poem, but they are pretty mediocre poems and they will probably make you feel better about yourself and your own poetry abilities. (GGFCT)

I’m not sure I can do this article justice in one sentence.  Drink a pop and read it. (Valley News Live)

Head on over Hankinson for a Christmas village and good cheer. (Fargo Forum)

Here’s a column about how North Dakota’s beauty and weather connect us. (Fargo Forum, found via Oops Only Good News)

Dickinson’s Ava Hauck has created a computer program to identify hematological diseases. (KX Net)

Bismarck’s Jessica Gabriel is second-place on the show, first-place in our hearts on “Wheel of Fortune.” (Valley News Live) 

In “We’ve finally made it” news, North Dakota now has a cat lounge. (KX Net, found via Oops Only Good News)

And in “We’ve finally made it?” news, North Dakota will soon be the first state with Internet access for all. (Valley News Live)

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