Thank you all for coming to my birthday party!  Last weekend, as I was sitting in the bathroom plucking hairs out of body parts that had never grown hairs in the past, Kyle – in an attempt to ward off my age-old reminder that if I am incapacitated for any length of time he is required to find someone to pluck out said hairs until I am able to do so myself – said,

“You know, 45 is the new 35.”

And maybe it was the espresso martinis talking, but his comment made me wonder: If 45 could be the new 35, why couldn’t it also be the new 25?  Or, better yet, 12?

Which is why you’re here: we’re going to have a bang-up 12-year-old birthday party.  We’re going to the trampoline park, we’re going to eat pizza, we’re going to watch a scary movie, and we’re going to have a sleepover.  As our sons said when they turned 12, it’s going to be fire.  Haha.

Speaking of fire, I hope you saw my email about bringing the grippy hospital socks you got from your recent colonoscopies because then you won’t need to spend $6 on trampoline socks.  Saving money is fire, yo!  Woot woot!  Does everyone have their park waivers?  And their bottles of electrolyte water?  Does John have his knee brace?  Great!  Let’s get jumping!

You can’t jump because you pee when you bounce?  Oh, and you can’t jump either because you also pee when you bounce?  Does anyone here NOT pee when they bounce?  Pauline, I thought you got a Mommy Makeover after your third was born to tighten everything up.  You did, but you can feel a perimenopause migraine coming on and don’t want to exacerbate it.  I get it.  No, I’m not bouncing; jumping makes me dizzy.  Swinging on a swing set, riding in a boat, relaxing in a chair, and sleeping in a bed also makes me dizzy, in case you were wondering.  Well, we can sit here and drink our water while our husbands bounce.  Wait, it looks like they are done already because everyone’s backs, calves, shoulders, and feet hurt.  Fair enough; onto pizza!

Hi, we’ll take five pizzas.  We have three people who aren’t eating carbs, two who aren’t eating dairy, and one who recently discovered an intolerance to meat, so just flop all of the ingredients on the table and we’ll take care of it ourselves.  Also, five pitchers of beer.  Do you make pitchers of old fashioneds?  How about espresso martinis?  Skip the beer; bring the others.

I’m sorry, what did you say?  Ever since I turned 40, I can’t hear anything when there’s noise behind me.  Kyle thinks I should get my hearing checked but I’m only 45 and that would be crazy!  No, not lazy; crazy.  Crazy.  Crazy!  Oh, you were saying “crazy” and I heard “lazy?”  Terrific.

Sure, I’d love to open my presents while we wait for our food.  Look, it’s a bottle of vitamins to help me poop.  Thank you!  Here’s another bottle of vitamins to help me poop; thank you, too!  Wow, eight bottles of vitamins to help me poop.  Looks like my month is going to be fire in more ways than one.  Or, “gross,” as the kids would say – because gross doesn’t mean disgusting anymore, it means good.  I don’t get it, either.

Movie time!  But first, let’s set up the sleeping bags – or, rather, the air mattresses, because no one will be able to get up after a night in a sleeping bag.  Would anyone like some popcorn and hot chocolate?  No?  How about espresso martinis and beef jerky sticks?  That’s the winner.  I’m on it.  Kyle, get the movie queued up; we’re watching Cocoon.

Whooooo’s ready for some espresso martinis and beef jerky!  Hang on, is anyone not sleeping or on their phones?  Put TikTok down and wake up John; he needs his CPAP machine.  Actually, wake up everyone; we need our hyaluronic and glycolic acids, our undereye patches, our leave-in conditioners, our bite guards, the works.  And turn off Cocoon; it’s too scary, even though it’s many, many, many, many years into our future.  Or maybe just many, many, many.

Everyone tucked in?  I have my alarm set for 5:00 for those who have early morning meetings or need to get to the gym.  Don’t forget to grab your goodie bags on your way out; each one has a protein bar, a gift card to Starbucks, and a Zofran.  I’m so glad we did this; it turns out 45 IS the new 45!  Oops, I mean 35!  Haha.

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The photo above was taken my senior year of high school. I’m the one in the dance team uniform.

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This week on North Dakota Today we talked about Misti Koop and Frost Fire Summer Theatre, my Nice Person (and program) of the Week, as well as a raptor rehabilitation program at the Dakota Zoo. (Valley News Live)

Mandan’s Brooklyn Miller has planted a miniature greenhouse to grow microgreens, vegetables, and houseplants for anyone in need in the community. (KX Net; Found from “Oops Only Good News”)

In What a Great Idea news, Bismarck Public Schools hosted a taste test to select items for their upcoming lunch menus. (KFYR TV)

Have a little one, looking for something to do, and love Vikings (not the football team; the other Vikings)?  Check out the Sons of Norway’s Read and Play. (Facebook)

Fargo’s Skyler Husebye is 1,000 copies richer of the film Wedding Crashers and is inviting the public to watch it with her on March 1. (Valley News Live; Found from “Oops Only Good News”)

Bismarck is now one of the 460 towns across the country to be deemed a Bicycle Friendly Community. (KX Net)

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