I have a few demands of life that have yet to be fulfilled.  The return of VH1’s Pop-Up Video, for one.  Indoor gas stations, for another.  Most importantly, I would really like everyone in the universe to carry a small card or QR code that details everything I would need to know about their backstory relative to where they are at that exact moment.  Just last night, our friend popped over wearing sneakers and no socks – both out of character for him.  Where were his socks?  What happened to his normal work boots?  How long has he owned sneakers and why was that the first time he’s ever worn them in my presence?  I didn’t have time to ask the important questions and now I can’t eat or sleep until I get some answers.  Earlier that same day, a very nice person stopped me on the street and we had an extensive conversation and after it was all over I went to Facebook to send them a message about how much I enjoyed our chat and it dawned on me that I had no idea who I was talking to…although it came to me midway through my interaction with Sockless Joe Jackson, leading me to forget to ask him my important questions.  Two issues that could have been avoided with a small card or QR code.

During our recent Florida vacation, we spent the afternoon at South Beach in Miami.  South Beach was the exact same as any other beach we encountered in that it consisted of sand, ocean, and fascinating people devoid of small cards or QR codes.

Interesting people are made so much more fascinating at the beach because the beach is without societal norms.  It’s one of only a few places in the world where it is totally fine to sit mostly naked in public mere feet away from other mostly naked individuals, and something about that proximity and nudity makes everything else you do completely fine.  Want to barrel roll in the sand on the beat of your favorite electronica and then rub a fistful of chia pudding on your arms before running up and down in the waves flapping your arms like a pterodactyl?  Sure, whatever; it’s the beach.

We were getting settled into our designated spot – only at the beach is it completely acceptable to stake out a temporary tract of land like an astronaut on the moon (except you’re a mostly naked person with an umbrella) with the understanding that you have 1000000% ownership of that parcel until the beach closes and/or you vacate it – when a man and two women walked up nearby and laid down a single towel and a large beach bag.  The man and one of the women were somewhere in the age range of 25-50, and the other woman was 70-plus.  All three were wearing long pants and long-sleeved shirts, and the 70-plus woman had on a parka – clothing that would normally seem slightly out of place in the 84-degree weather, but since it was the beach, no one blinked.  The older woman laid down on the towel with her head on the beach bag like a pillow and covered her face with what looked like a fabric shopping bag.  The other two stripped off their clothes and walked into the water.  They waded out 15 feet from shore, stood in the waves for 30 minutes, and walked back up to the woman with the towel, who had not moved.

“They’re in their underwear,” I said to Kyle.

“How do you know?”  he asked.

“Because I own the same underwear,” I said.  “And the man is wearing Fruit of the Looms.”

Kyle gestured down the beach to what appeared to be a giant extended family.  “That group is in their underwear, too.”

“No kidding,” I said.

“Really the only difference between bathing suits and underwear is the marketing,” Kyle said.

I turned back to the trio.  They were engaged in a deep and intense conversation, even though one of them was lying on her back with a shopping bag over her face and the other two were standing holding their jeans around their midsections like towels.

“A couple visiting their mother?”  I asked.

“Could be,” Kyle said, “although I think she’s visiting, too, right?  The coat?”

“But she has a beach bag,” I said. 

“Maybe their hotel room isn’t ready?”  Kyle said.

“Or maybe they had planned to go to the beach this morning, decided it was too cold, went to the movie theater and caught a documentary on consumerism, and came out of the theater so inspired that they decided to eschew all worldly goods except that beach bag?  And now they are arguing about whether jeans are considered worldly goods.”

“Why don’t you go over and ask them?”  Kyle said.

“Why don’t they come over here and tell me what’s going on?”  I said.

“It would be rude if they didn’t,” Kyle said.

On our other side, a man and woman – again, somewhere in the age range of 25-50 – had been sunbathing.  Or, rather, she was sunbathing, and he was sitting in a beach chair beneath an umbrella, staring at the ocean, his hands on his knees.  They were both tanned to the point of being nearly orange, covered in jewelry, and wearing earbuds.  At some point during the other couple’s swim/stand in the ocean, the woman went for a stroll down the beach and out of sight.  As Kyle and I chatted, the man stood up, put away his earbuds, walked to the shoreline, took off his expensive sandals and placed them side by side, and went for a swim.  When he emerged from the ocean, he walked past his sandals and sat back down in his chair in the exact same position as before – hands on his knees, earbuds in ears, staring straight forward – although this time he was wet and shoeless.

“He forgot his sandals,” I said.

“I don’t think he forgot them,” Kyle said.  “He’s looking right at them.”

“He’s looking at the ocean.”

“No,” Kyle said.  “He’s looking at his sandals.”

Sure ‘nough, he was.

“He’s better come over here and fill me in on his whole situation, too,” I said.

“I’m not sure we can leave Florida otherwise,” Kyle said.

The next day, back at Fort Lauderdale Beach, we played the same “What is their backstory and why won’t they just tell us” game until two beach parties, unassociated and for different reasons, struck up two unassociated and different conversations and actually TOLD us their back stories.  It turned out the groups were from Shakopee and Anoka (both Minnesota, for those of you from outside the region) and one set gave us great advice for a future family vacation and the other was a cutie-cute newly-married couple on their honeymoon.

“Do you feel better knowing at least something about our fellow man?”  Kyle asked as we walked back to the car.

“No, because now I have even more questions,” I said.  “Why did the family pick Fort Lauderdale?  How did the newlyweds meet?  Why did they decide to wear bathing suits instead of underwear?  What are the chances that two different sets of strangers from Minnesota were sitting next to a family from North Dakota on a beach in Florida?” 

“Things are tough for you,” Kyle said.

“It would be a lot easier if everyone carried a small card or a QR code,” I said, rubbing my arms with chia pudding and running up and down in the waves flapping my arms like a pterodactyl.

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The photo above is an unabashed plug for my best friend’s new book. It’s called A Chain of Pearls and is the first in a (so far) 3-book series called “The Martha’s Vineyard Murders.” You can order the first two books by clicking here. OH, and if you’re wondering about the box that says, “This place gives a crap” it’s bamboo toilet paper sent to me by accident – she thought she was ordering it for herself – by my favorite esteemed author while I was in Florida. I told her I’d return it or mail it to her, but she said, “Nah, you keep it. You keep it, but you’re not gonna like it.” It felt right to put it in this picture.

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This week on North Dakota Today, we talked about two sisters helping families feel good, and a team of “duckies” spreading “Smiles for Miles.” (Valley News Live)

This was my favorite social media post of the week last week – and now this week again because I had forgotten its cuteness until I added it here. (Facebook)

North Dakotans and Minnesotans good at leaning out your front doors and saying “I dunno, it doesn’t really look like a tornado”: now is your chance to become an official Storm Spotter.  (Facebook)

East Grand Forks’ Braden Durick is the winner of the Best Of and Best Youth Entry awards at the North Dakota Taximdermists Association annual convention. (Grand Forks Herald)

Also in North Dakota-adjacent news, Becker’s Daisy Kent (who grew up on a Christmas tree farm, so someone alert the Hallmark Channel) is in the final round of “The Bachelor.” (Fargo Forum)

Minot’s Donny Schatz crossed the finish line of his 500th career win in Barberville, Florida on March 4, 2024. (Minot Daily News)

Also as a reminder, Kyle and his friends, Corey and Kelly, have a podcast called North Dakota After Dark where they talk about youth hockey in North Dakota.  The latest episode is up and is an interview with Matt Strinden of California.  Check it out. Bonus: you can watch it on YouTube. (North Dakota After Dark)

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