Fort Lauderdale is currently filled to the brim with collegiate spring breakers and the Kyle Kosior Family.  On Monday, we took the boys to Fort Lauderdale Beach, where we unintentionally threw thousands of newly-non-teenagers into momentary “Crap, are my parents here?” panic with our presence. 

“Hello, family!” A girl wearing the bathing suit equivalent of two cotton pads shouted from the back of a golf cart before her friends, the same age as several of our friends’ children, were able to shush her.

“Have fun and make good choices, ladies!”  I called back.

“Yes, ma’am!” she yelled, holding up a metal water bottle to assure me, a spy obviously sent by her mother, that she was staying hydrated.

There were a bunch of retail booths and food trucks leading up to Fort Lauderdale Beach.  The boys made a beeline for a stall selling cut fruit and freshly-squeezed juices, the spring breakers parting our way like a half-drunk Red Sea.

As I was attempting to convince Eight that he wouldn’t like a pineapple, mango, and dragon fruit smoothie because he didn’t consistently like pineapple, mango, or dragon fruit, a small crumble of the back of my mind noted Kyle had drifted away from our pack and was talking to a couple of young fellas outside of a promotional tent.  The tent had an oversized cornhole game, a sign that said something like, “Safely Navigate the Nether Region,” and a line of college-age dudes waiting in line for what looked to be some kind of electric razor meant for cleaning up the more gentlemanly areas of the body.

The fruit guy was mixing up Eight’s pineapple, mango, and dragon fruit smoothie when Kyle tapped me on the shoulder.

“Hey, are you okay if I do this thing really quick?”  He said, pointing to the tent.

“Sure, whatever,” I said, knowing Kyle was 1) easily allured by free stuff, and 2) had a hard time saying no to people pitching products on the street, especially if said product was provided at a deep discount and/or free.

The boys and I sat down at a table with our juices.  I drank my smoothie, Twelve drank his smoothie, and Eight tried to talk me into a second smoothie because he didn’t actually like pineapple, mango, and dragon fruit mixed together.  Eight was just about to remind me for the 2,000^th time that he was so thirsty – but not thirsty for the water I had offered him, thirsty for a different smoothie – when Kyle appeared.

“I won $2,000,” he said.

“You won $2,000 in what,” I said, after a moment.  Kyle took a drink of Eight’s smoothie.

“I won $2,000 in money, plus this sweet razor and this cool bag,” he said, holding up a box containing a sweet razor and turning around to show me his cool bag.

It turned out the tent was for a product called the Wahl Manscaper, which is exactly what it sounds like it might be.  Wahl was giving away 200 free Manscapers via some fancy vending machines to anyone who could sink at least two beanbags in the cornhole game (A side note: Kyle was holding a bunch of the kids’ crap and they told him he could put the crap down to play and he said, “No, I’m fine,” and then won), with two of those Manscapers worth an extra $2,000 Visa Gift card.

I’m taking a leap here, but my assumption is that the Wahl marketing team had not spent the day scouring the crowd for a 40-plus-year-old guy whose idea of suave was a swept-out garage (not a euphemism).  I’m also assuming that when the Wahl camera crew asked Kyle what he was going to do with the money, they were hoping for something a little more youthful than, “I’m going to spend it on myself and not my wife and kids.” (Another side note: after telling everyone in North Dakota and Canada that he was going to use it to buy a golf cart, he whispered to me that he was going to put it in the kids’ savings accounts…also probably not on the Wahl Viral Social Media Wish List.)

However, I’d argue there is no better audience for the Wahl Manscaper than today’s discerning Kyle.  For one, no one thinks more about their hair (excess or lack thereof) than a dad.  Two, dads can afford a $60 ball razor.

I can imagine the ad campaign now: it’s your typical suburban neighborhood.  One by one, the garage doors open, and out steps The Dads, grass trimmers in hand.  For the next several hours, The Dads meticulously groom their yards – carefully edging, weed wacking, bagging every last blade.  When they are done, The Dads return to their homes.  One by one they open their medicine cabinets, and take out their Wahl Manscapers.  A job worth doing is one worth doing well.

Kyle spent the rest of the day toting his sweet razor around Fort Lauderdale Beach.  The boys filled his cool bag with shells, which is how I assume all the other dudes on the beach used their bags, as well.  The following day, Tuesday, we moved two miles down the beach to the area with the other olds so those precious college students could enjoy their debauchery (and well-groomed Nether Regions) in peace.

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The photo above is of the happiest guy in Fort Lauderdale, his major award, and that frickin’ pineapple, mango, and dragon fruit juice.

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I was on vacation on Monday and so I didn’t appear on North Today Today this week.  Last week on North Dakota Today, we talked about Acts of Kindness and Dakota Rock Hounds. (Valley News Live)

A Grand Forks father-daughter team have invented wizard wands for the discerning laser tag player. (Grand Forks Herald)

I’m copying this headline verbatim but it’s a very effective headline: Bismarck’s Don Brandt is the longest-standing Big Boy employee in the entire franchise. (KFYR TV)

I think everyone in North Dakota already knows about this but a guy named Seth is visiting all 355 of the state’s municipalities. (Facebook)

Also as a reminder, Kyle and his friends, Corey and Kelly, have a podcast called North Dakota After Dark where they talk about youth hockey in North Dakota.  The latest episode is up and is an interview with Matt Strinden of California.  Check it out. Bonus: you can watch it on YouTube. (North Dakota After Dark)

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