This is not the most important story you will ever read.  This is a story of vanity, laziness, and Internet shopping, all of which are near the top of the least important things in life.  It is, possibly, a word of warning…although I’ve told ten people this story and everyone has the same reaction – “Ohhhh, dear, Amanda.” – so the only person who has learned anything is me, and even I don’t know what I’ve learned.  Maybe “Tomorrow is another day,” or “Shop local,” or “Be yourself, because Kim Kardashian is taken.”  Maybe I’ll figure it out by the end of this story.  Maybe.

For my birthday, my parents gave me a beautiful form-fitting shift dress.  The dress was striped baby pink and navy and came alongside a little bolero and, when I tried it on, Kyle said, “You look like a sexy country club mom,” which were the seven words I’ve always wanted to hear.

“It’s for you to wear on TV,” my mom said.

“I will definitely wear it on TV,” I said.

On Monday, I wore it on TV.

Prior to wearing it on TV, I took one look at my blubbery, unfit body and made the decision to utilize not one, but two pairs of Spanx (for those of you who don’t know Spanx, imagine compression socks that you wear as an undergarment on your midsection).

“Why in the world would you wear two pairs of Spanx?”  Literally everyone has since asked.

Well, a long time ago, I read somewhere that Kim Kardashian doubles up her Spanx whenever she dons tight clothes.  As Kim Kardashian and I have a lot in common (both have brown hair, both own two pairs of Spanx), this seemed like the logical choice for me.  Had I ever tried layered Spanx prior to Monday?  No.

On Monday, five minutes before I was set to leave, I shoveled myself into both pairs of Spanx.  All of my blobby goodness squished beneath the flesh-colored nylon in a romance similar to fisting a handful of play slime into a condom.  I checked myself out in the mirror, ignoring the skin billowing out of the top and bottom of the Spanx (Is Spanx a singular and a plural?  Or is it Spanxes?).  Pretty good.

It was another majestically, magically, unseasonably warm morning and, even though none of the hosts of North Dakota Today ever wore pantyhose, I still felt like my ensemble wouldn’t be complete without pantyhose.  Country club women were pantyhose women.  Plus, it was 35 degrees outside, and my general rule of thumb is that if I need a coat, I also need socks or tights.

I had run my last pair of nylons after my last appearance on TV and had replaced them with two pairs from an Internet shopping site I will not name (Amazon) because I didn’t feel like running to the store.  I pulled those suckers on, shimmied into my dress and heels, and gave myself a good wink because I WAS A HOT PIECE OF CLASSY BACON YES I WAS.

“Woo woo, you are one hot piece of classy bacon; yes, you are,” Kyle said as I came downstairs.

I drove to Fargo, made it into the studio, got mic’d up, sat down on the couch – and, with ten seconds to showtime, went to adjust my hot piece of classy bacon using the monitors.

“Holy crap, my legs are yellow,” I said to Ashlyn, one of the show’s co-hosts.

She looked at the monitors, and then down at my Internet pantyhose, which were labeled as “Nude” in the package but reading as urine yellow on screen.  Not “pinkish-yellow” or “yellow-toned.”  “Boy, you’d better drink some water and see a doctor” yellow.

“Yes, they are,” she said.  “Weird.  They look normal in person.”

“Hopefully no one will notice,” I said, as the title screen appeared.

Kyle called me after my segment.

“If I were to offer a little constructive criticism,” he said, “I’d recommend some different tights because your legs were pretty distracting.”

“Distracting because they were awesome?”  I asked.  I pulled up the segment on my phone; not awesome.

“Do you think that’s why none of the co-hosts wear pantyhose on air?”  I asked.

“Probably,” Kyle said.

I sighed, and pulled onto the Interstate.  North Dakota Today tapes in Fargo and I live in Grand Forks, meaning I had an hour-long drive home to mentally curse out my nylons, Amazon, and basically every choice I’d ever made.  Fortunately, one of my co-workers had scheduled a meeting, and so I pulled up Teams and hoped the call would shake me out of my yellow-legged funk.

The call went fine, the drive went fine, but my mind was still 25% on my Dijon legs.  The memory of it made me sweat, and between sweating and sitting and driving and karma, my double-layer of Spanx, now weighted by perspiration and the fact that they weren’t meant to be put on top of one another, decided to rid themselves of my pantyhose and my existence by slowly sliding down my stomach.  I shifted in my seat, and the Spanx stopped…right at my diaphragm.

I tried to take a deep breath, and couldn’t.  I was twenty miles from Grand Forks.

Did I pull over on the side of the road and take off the Spanx, pantyhose, and insecurities?  No.

Did I pull at my Spanx to get them back up where they belonged so that I could breathe?  No.

Did I shake my head, click my cruise control up a single MPH, and press on?  Yes.

“Amanda, what do you think?” Someone asked on the phone.

“I think it’s great,” I whispered as one would when their midsection was being squeezed by a popular shapewear line.

I made it to Grand Forks.  I made it into my garage.  I made it into my mudroom.  Then I stripped down to my underwear right as Kyle was coming around the corner.

“All right!”  He said.  “Is this your new TV outfit?”

“Maybe,” I said, scratching my belly and tossing my tights in the trash.

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The photo above is…well, you know what it is. I also didn’t let Ashlyn – who is much more entertaining than I (and check out her normal, human legs) – say a single word during the segment, which was nice of me.

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This week on North Dakota Today, we talked about a free fishing derby for kids and a beloved elementary school paraprofessional.  Check it out!  (Valley News Live)

It was a double-header in Mayville when students both cheered on a basketball game and joined the National Marrow Donor Program in honor of Jason Perkins. (Grand Forks Herald)

The #1 state to start a business in 2024, according to Forbes?  North Dakota. (Forbes)

Students used their downtime between rounds of a Fargo debate tournament to tie blankets to be donated to the Roger Maris Cancer Center. (Fargo Forum)

In North Dakota-adjacent news, Happy Anniversary to Mountain Iron’s Alvera and Harold Mastin, who are celebrating 71 years of marriage. (Valley News Live)

The kids in Minot now have 12 Lego Spike Robot Kits to use as we prepare for robots to become sentient and hopefully find a solution to double-walled Spanx. (KX Net)

In “Man, I wish I had attended because I have a lot of questions such as, ‘Who bought the cows?’ and ‘How do you know if someone is better than someone else?’” News: Last week, 24 auctioneers from U.S. and Canada descended on Dickinson to compete in the Greater Midwest Livestock Auctioneering Championship, in which they sold seven drafts of weigh-up cows and feeder cattle. (KFYR TV)

The weather has been so nice that the lemonade is already out in Mandan. (KFYR TV)

North Dakota is the first state to have VR headsets in every middle and high school. (KFYR TV)

Also as a reminder, Kyle and his friends, Corey and Kelly, have a podcast called North Dakota After Dark where they talk about youth hockey in North Dakota.  The latest episode is up and is an interview with Viktor Tikhonov, former Coyotes first-rounder and grandson of the legendary Viktor Tikhonov, coach of the Soviet team at the Miracle on Ice.  Check it out. Bonus: you can watch it on YouTube. (North Dakota After Dark)

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