I was reminiscing  with my best friend, Raemi, the other day about the time we read Matthew McConaughey’s memoir, Greenlights, for a book club.  Greenlights, impossible to read without imagining it in his accent, was an eaaasy ride.  The book didn’t uncover any childhood trauma or lecture on political subjects; it was basically like sitting by a campfire while Matthew shared his bongos and his thoughts on our smallness in the universe.

“They should have called it, I Am Really Good-Looking And Sometimes That Can Be Taxing,” Raemi said.

I’ve written many times before that if left to my own devices (i.e. without the pressures of the Internet or being surrounded by beautiful women), I would easily allow myself to become the visual equivalent of the wolf in grandma’s clothes from Little Red Riding Hood.  I “joke” with my friends that if I have to pluck, lotion, beam, or peel one more thing, I’m going to get one of those ruffly white fabric hats, eschew all makeup except for red circles on my cheeks, start laughing like this – “Hoo hoo hoo!” – in a high register, only eat baked goods I get from children in the woods, and just…call it a day.

While beauty can be taxing to me, it is an eaaasy ride for the men in my life.  It takes Kyle thirty seconds to my three hours to get ready for bed, for example.  Both of my sons regularly go to school in mismatched outfits with knee-high socks and sandals and only one of them ever brushes his hair.  Meanwhile, if I have to run to the grocery store before I have the chance to shower, I put on one of those Halloween pumpkin heads so as to not call attention to myself.

Kyle and I recently co-emceed Altru Health Foundation’s annual gala.  Knowing we were going to be on stage and visible to everyone in the audience, we both decided to put a bit more effort than usual into our appearances.  For Kyle, this meant picking out his dinner jacket a week before the event rather than the night of.  I, on the other hand, had a multi-step plan of things that needed to happen in the days and weeks prior, including scouring local, regional, and online stores for sparkly dresses; plucking, lotioning, beaming, peeling, and painting body parts; booking a hair appointment, realizing I’d be in Fargo for a hockey tournament up until the mic check, canceling the hair appointment, and then watching YouTube videos to see if a person could become an expert hair stylist in ten minutes or less (nope); and pretending to avoid carbs and carbonation so as to not appear more bloated than usual.

The mic check for the Gala was at 3:00 PM and the event began at 5:30, giving me approximately two hours to transform from a yoga pants’d hockey mom into a completely different human being.  No problem!  I told myself.  The only items left on my list were to steam my dress, take a quick shower, enwrap myself in beauty, and be amazing and glamorous.  By 4:30, I was still in my Spanx (as a reminder to Kyle, he is very lucky to be married to me), hair not yet did, makeup half on (I had tried, and INCREDIBLY failed, to glue on false eyelashes), and the owner of a sparkly dress that looked like I had balled it up wet and stuck it between the couch cushions.  Fortunately, my mother was here, so she fixed up my dress while I replaced my travesty of a makeup attempt with my normal face and stuck my hair in a ponytail.  Finally, I slipped on my new shoes and we headed out.

My shoes were gold strappy numbers with five-inch heels that I got for the amazing price of $20 on the Internet.  When I was in my twenties, five-inch heels for $20 were my shoe du jour; I don’t think I even owned a pair of sneakers.  Today, I am what you might call “a Chuck Taylors flats girl.”  Because it had been a while since I’d been up on the balls of my feet, I had waltzed around my house in my $20 gold strappy numbers to make sure they would work for the stage.

The Gala started, my Spanx/hair/eyelashes were where they belonged, and everything was going great.  I popped into the bathroom to see if the blue champagne being served came out the same way it went in (nope) – and, while doing so, wiggled my heels out of the backs of my shoes for a second.  When I went to slip them back in, I realized my heels had given me blisters, which had popped when I took off my shoes…and now my feet hurt like a bad word.

Yet, the show must go on.  I put back on those stupid $20 heels and hobbled out to the sinks.  My friend Meghan was also at the sinks, and so we chatted for a minute before she said,

“How are you feeling?”

And I said,

“Well, I’m bleeding all over my shoes.”

She looked at me and at my stupid $20 heels and then went into Help Mode.  She searched for Bandaids (no dice).  She offered up her own shoes (SO NICE).

“Just take them off and go barefooted,” she said.

“No,” I said, the bravest of them all.  “I shall finish up the event in style.”

I staggered out to the auditorium.  My friend Amy stopped me on the way.  We chatted for a minute before she said,

“How are you feeling?”

And I said,

“Well, I’m bleeding all over my shoes.”

She looked at me and at my stupid $20 heels and then went into Help Mode.  She disappeared into the crowd, reappearing with a handful of Bandaids and slipping them to me as I crawled up onto the stage (SO NICE).

Thanks to Meghan, Amy, and my own ego, I made it through the entire live auction (and the event raised $440,000 for the NICU; whoop whoop!).  I took off my shoes the second the spotlight dimmed.  On the way down the stage stairs, a woman stopped me.

“I’m glad you’re rid of those shoes,” she said.  “When you get older like me, wear flats.”  She pointed at her own lovely shoes.

“Next year, I’m wearing bedroom slippers,” I told her, scratching my Spanx.

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The photo above is from the Gala.

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This week on North Dakota Today we talked about a lifesaving lake weekend and the Sugarbeet Mafia.  Check it out!  (Valley News Live)

Fargo’s Fred Quam is 107 years old, the last living Happy Hooligan, and the subject of a sweet article about his achievements. (Fargo Forum)

As if you need a reason to enjoy the beautiful weather, the Northern Lights are expected to pick up in frequency. (KX Net)

For those of you not from North Dakota – and for those of you who are – you’re going to love the story of the Sentinel Butte gas station, which operates on the honor system. (KFYR TV)

Congratulations to Bismarck’s Julia Araujo and Alicia Kenfack, titleholders at the USA Girls Midwest Nationals wrestling tournament! (KFYR TV)

And congratulations to Bismarck’s Sheila Peterson, North Dakota’s Teacher of the Year! (Grand Forks Herald)

The Oslo Chamber Choir – the one from Norway, not North Dakota – performed last weekend in Minot. (KFYR TV)

Mark your calendars for A Night for Sight – a fundraiser to help cure and prevent blindness in the poorest region in the western hemisphere. (Facebook)

As a reminder, I’ll be appearing on North Dakota Today on Monday mornings. Tune in, and send me the people and stories that are nice.  Thank you in advance!

ALSO as a reminder, Kyle now has a North Dakota hockey podcast on Pulltab Sports. It’s called “North Dakota After Dark” and he hosts it with our friends Kelly and Corey. Episode 10 with Marc Hoe is now up. Click here to listen.

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