I had an entirely different story planned for today, but SOMETHING HAPPENED this past weekend and Kyle felt it was important to record it for posterity.  I hemmed and hawed for a lot of reasons – the most important being that I, a person who is not easily embarrassed, was embarrassed; and also, it was gross – but I finally gave in when it became clear that this story was going to surface in my family at one point or another anyway and I might as well make sure it was told accurately.

So,

(sigh)

here we go.

I came home from work on Friday to find that Kyle had rented a pontoon for a half-day toodle around Union Lake on Saturday.  Hooray!  We love pontoons!  We love the lake!  We love summer!  We love family time!  Everyone was happy.  I mean, our twelve-year-old wasn’t happy since he is at the age where everything we suggest is an inconvenience to his life until proven otherwise – but 100% of the people who would be thrilled about a pontoon ride were happy, which meant we were all happy.

We got onto the water at noon, and spent a couple of hours putt-putting around doing lake-y things like deciding which houses we would buy if the situation arose and consuming an entire cooler’s worth of snacks and drinks.  The weather went from chilly to full-on hot during that time, so I, an excellent mother, was pushy with the liquids.  At the two-and-a-half hour mark, we floated the pontoon near a quiet bit of shoreline, dropped anchor, and pulled out the fishing rods for a mid-putt-putt break.  With the hooks baited and in the water, and Twelve’s attitude officially changed from “Ughhh” to “This is awesome,” I leaned back on the ‘toon and closed my eyes to partake in a little Saturday nap.

Seconds later, Twelve began hopping up and down.

“MOM!  MOM!”  He whispered.  “I CAUGHT SOMETHING.”

He sure had caught something – a giant pike.  Kyle dropped his rod and I dropped my sunglasses and Eight dropped any ability to control the volume of his voice and for a few moments the Kosiors were singularly focused on getting that huge fish in the boat…which didn’t happen because the fish was so large that it bit the hook right off the line and dove back into the water.

After the necessary Recounting of Events, I sat down on the seat and realized that all of the pike-related excitement and excellent mother-related liquid drinking had triggered a natural human response: I had to pee.

I’ve written about this many times before, but my husband and sons are big fans of…let’s say “leaving their mark”…in places not traditionally considered bathrooms by cultured society.  For example, when we lived in the country, they would often walk past our main floor bathroom and up several stairs in order to go off the back deck.  Eight has waited until we were stuck in traffic so as to necessitate the use of an empty bottle.  On this particular pontoon ride, they went wherever and whenever the mood struck them.

I, on the other hand, require a restroom situation akin to that of a private suite at the Plaza Hotel.  I am so picky about where I…rest my laurels…that I won’t use a public bathroom at a beach if the floor is sandy, let alone a standard port-a-potty.  I once – ONCE – was peer-pressured into peeing in the woods on a camping trip where there were zero other options and I’ve been mad about it for twenty-five years (and I haven’t camped since; stupid camping).  I mean, my beloved, devoted husband recently gave me a heated toilet seat as a gift.  ‘Nough said.

Here’s the thing: there was no Plaza Hotel on the pontoon on Union Lake.  In fact, there wasn’t even a resort, convenience store, or public anything on Union Lake.  To get onto the pontoon at Union Lake, we had to park at one location and hitch a golf cart ride to the boat lift.  We were approximately fifteen minutes from that boat launch, and another however many from an actual bathroom – and who knows how far from an Amanda-level toilet.

No problem, I told myself.  As a picky bathroom person, I had perfected the art of Holding It.  I looked up at the sunny sky and down at the lovely pontoon and NOT at the giant water bottle in front of me, nor the expansive lake around me.

“Man, do I ever have to pee,” Eight said, doing his business off the side of the boat, completely nonplussed by the family of pontooners who had floated up about fifty yards away and also dropped anchor.  “Pee peedle-y dee-doodle-y dee.”

I turned green, or maybe yellow.

“You okay?”  Kyle said to me.

“Yes,” I said.

“Amanda,” he said.

I sighed, and explained my situation.

“Just go in the water,” he waved his hand nonchalantly.

“No,” I said.

“I’ll hold your hands and you can lean-sit over the edge of the boat,” he offered, helpfully.

“No,” I said.

We floated and fished and didn’t go to the bathroom in the water for what was probably 1,000 hours but more likely 30 seconds.

“Amanda,” Kyle said, because I was clearly uncomfortable.

“No,” I said, and then, “I don’t have a bathing suit.”

“You can wear mine,” he said, pointing to his bag.

“No,” I said.

“You can do it, Mom,” Eight, who had stopped fishing to listen to this tete-a-tete, said.  “Watch.”  He dropped his pants, dug around in the bag until he found his suit, and put it on.

“There are people right there, please cover yourself up,” I said, too late, since my brain was singularly focused on one thing and it wasn’t Eight.

“Amanda,” Kyle said.

“Fine,” I said.

I sat down on the bottom of the boat, out of the watchful eyes of everyone but MY VERY CLOSE-IN-PROXIMITY CHILDREN, MY HUSBAND, and the universe.  I threw a towel over my lap, shimmied out of my shorts (which was more difficult than you’d think since I really, really, really, really had to go), and cinched up Kyle’s swim shorts around my tank top.  Then I sat there for 1,000 hours/30 seconds trying to teleport off of that pontoon into basically anywhere else, including a sandy port-a-potty.

Finally, I stood up.  Twelve, who was now also REALLY, REALLY, REALLY INTERESTED in what was happening, lowered the pontoon ladder.

“Pretend like you’re going for a swim, Mom,” he said.

“I am going for a swim,” I said.

“After you go?  Or…when?”  Twelve asked.

When I climbed back onto the pontoon, I heard someone from the family nearby say, “Oh, that’s FOR SURE what she was doing,” and then the group laughed, which was great.  Great.  It was great.

After I changed back into my clothes, threw away Kyle’s suit, and disassociated from my body, we had a wonderful rest of the afternoon.  It’s my 17^th wedding anniversary on Saturday – which I guess you could say is now our Golden Anniversary.  I bought Kyle a bathing suit.

Fin.

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The photo above is of Kyle on the pontoon after to THE INCIDENT. There also exists a photo of me descending down the ladder, which will never, ever see the light of day.

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This week on North Dakota Today, we talked Root Connections and long-time mentors.  Check it out! (North Dakota Today)

The Dream Center has been serving 140 breakfasts and 195 sack lunches a day to families in Bismarck. (Facebook)

Prairie Grit Adaptive Sports keeps donating sleds to the Dickinson Hockey Club. (Facebook)

North Dakota State Fair Manager Renae Korslien is celebrating her 50th anniversary with the organization. (KFYR TV)

Speaking of the Fair, you can now get a free ride to the fairgrounds. (KX Net)

If you live in Grand Forks and have children ages 4-14, bring them out to the annual track meets because they are SO FUN. (Facebook)

Jack Michaels began his career with the Fargo Red Hawks on the back of a napkin and has been doing play-by-play ever since. (Fargo Forum)

Congratulations to Minot’s Chris Basden, winner of the Hometown Sound Competition. (KFYR TV)

Additionally, congratulations to Mandaree’s Hailey Vigen, winner of the Mandan-Hidatsa-Arikara Indian Horse Relays. (KFYR TV)

The Freedom Riders Motorcycle Club revved their engines for some pre-Sturgis fun. (KFYR TV)

As a reminder, I’ll be appearing on North Dakota Today on Monday mornings. Tune in, and send me the people and stories that make you go, “Oh, for nice” (and if you have already sent me stories – THANK YOU!).

ALSO as a reminder, Kyle now has a North Dakota hockey podcast on Pulltab Sports. It’s called “North Dakota After Dark” and he hosts it with our friends Kelly and Corey. It’s pretty dumb, pretty funny, and I said, “KYLE, you can’t say that” at least 3x when they were recording…so be warned. Episode 3 is now up. Click here to listen.

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